The Beauty of Grief

If God had disclosed our entire job description when He first called Micah and me to adopt embryos, highlighting the sacrifices required to show love, dignity, and respect to our six little ones in order to bring them directly to Him in the end, I know deep in my heart I may not have been so quick to obey. In fact, I think I may have tried to run away... far, far away in the opposite direction. That has never worked out for anyone I know throughout history so I must assume that it would have not worked out so well for me. Honestly, for the first time in days, I can say in retrospect that I would without a doubt do it all over again. Even though God has added to our family in a way we never expected, He has honored our request for more children. It gives the phrase "treasures in heaven" a far deeper meaning to all of us.

However, the past couple of weeks have been tremendously painful as we have plunged the depths of their loss. During times when my spirit is flooded with a thousand feelings all at once, it is good for me to be very, very quiet. Over the past week and a half, I have had quite a bit of quiet time. There are days when the groanings too deep for words reflecting Romans 8 are a constant companion. When I do speak, my heart echoes David in the Psalms as he questioned God and tried to make sense of his circumstances. There is no need to pretend the questions don't exist. They do~ and He knows them already. I might as well say them out loud to the only One big enough to have any answers. There is beauty in process of grieving, though. It shows honor to the six little persons that have come into our lives and changed us forever. Also for me, there is an exquisite rawness in suffering that draws out the best and worst in me all at the same time. There is no facade; no harness for my emotions. It is impossible to put on the "Christian Face". However, as good theology preceded David in his honest dialogue with the Father, so it must for me and therein lies the source of the beauty. Through it all, God remains faithful and trustworthy. He patiently waits on me while I blame Him until I again believe Him. Even when I have no sense of the ground beneath my feet, He is the Solid Rock. When sadness and questions feel consuming, I have not been consumed. Beyond that, He willingly enters into my suffering. My God and Savior knows my anguish better than anyone. It is only because of His suffering on my behalf that I grieve perfectly in Christ. There is no need to fix my heartache. I come as I am and Jesus does all the fixing and I am not left undone. That is true beauty.

Where are we going from here? Micah and I aren't sure. Since God does know where this story is going next, I feel content right now just sticking close to Him.

One bit of very good news is that our friends Josh and Danae are expecting. Please join us in praying for them and their little one(s) now growing. It will be a sweet gift to get to see the face of a child that will resemble two of ours. We are thankful for that glimpse through the door of heaven and thrilled for them!

Our Little Ones

It is with deep deep sadness that I write these words. Our little ones are with Jesus. Micah and I are broken-hearted. The boys are sad. It is impossible and overwhelming for me to understand why the Lord would take these, now 6, little ones to be with Him and not allow us to meet them this side of eternity. After thinking about the news for a bit, Elijah reminded me of something I had told him weeks ago, "Both choices were good for them, right Mommy? To be with us or Jesus?" He's right and we are glad for them, but we still hurt. They are lacking nothing but we are left needing everything right now. We covet your prayers while we grieve.

Where We Are Today

I have to start by putting in one more plug for our adoption fund raiser through Shirts of Hope. We have had several friends buy a shirt and in turn support our adoption as well as other adoptions through Show Hope. We are truly humbled by the gifts. The deadline is March 31 for anyone else who may be interested. Click here for the link to the info page.

This past week has been really busy in the Childs house. First of all, our "house" changed. Having been in corporate housing for the past year and a half, it was time to again find a place of our own. It was especially fun to see our PODS container and unload all our stuff that has been stored away. The boys thought it was like Christmastime as they pulled out toys from boxes and bins. They were especially glad to see their train table... AND all the toys that make noise:) I had conveniently stored most of the "fun" ones. I think Elijah has pushed every button on every battery requiring toy at least 100 times in the last three days! Having not needed much of the things I had stored, it has been great inspiration to clean out as I unpacked.

Emotionally, it has been good to have a distraction as the day approaches when we learn the state of our little ones. I wish I could report that I have been cool as a cucumber waiting on the news, but honestly, I have been a mess. I want to be vulnerable here... It is such a struggle to rest and not be anxious. Couple that with loads of hormones and... well, you can venture a guess at the results:) I was having a difficult day last week; just thinking about how much we want the best for these babies but at the same time, praying they would live and come to be with our family. I have often wondered what it would be like to give birth to our twins, one Hispanic baby and one Indian/Pacific Islander baby, and witness the delivery room staff's reactions:) I have so desired to see those little faces- faces that do not resemble anyone in our family. My thoughts always drift back to the fact that God loves them and they are safe in His hands. Our responsibility is to be obedient in showing them His love. And I would do anything to show them His love, including learn to give myself the "big shots" on both sides- which I somehow managed to accomplish this week. What I don't take in consideration always is that God loves us too~ He loves me too. Trusting Him with my heart seems next to impossible sometimes. I know how this can go and how it can feel. It makes me so grateful for Jesus who has indeed captured my heart, carries me in His arms, and grants me portions of grace each day. In fact, in Him on the battlefield in my mind, I am more than a conqueror. In terms of my acceptance before Him as a daughter, my adoption is complete. I have been given perfect, sustaining love and peace. Feeling that always is so difficult in this situation. Feeling it or not, by this time tomorrow, I will know where our little ones are, God will still be good, and His grace will continue to be sufficient for me- and for all of us.

So please pray. We have been so fortunate to have had so many others around us walking beside. The nearness of God is our good, friends. And the nearness of each other is a gift. We will relay the news as soon as we are able~

Second Transfer Complete

This morning, we were once again a part of a sacred experience. Of the three embryos thawed, only one survived. The other two- one from the original donating family and one from the family Josh and Danae had donated to us) are now whole, adopted as God's children, and staring into the face of their Creator. The other, from our first group survived and we were told looked better than the previous two we had transferred. As I said in our previous post, neither embryo was in "great shape", so I attribute its condition today to our Almighty Healer! Because of some arrangements made by our friends Josh and Danae, a fourth embryo was thawed from their group and it did survive. They are hopefully finding their accommodations perfectly adequate for growing right now:) I am officially on bed rest for the next three days. I look forward to sitting, praying, and experiencing the results of all the prayers prayed on all our behalf during this quiet time. I need to post some pictures of the boys, too, during my sitting time if I can get them to be still enough for a picture... They are here being cared for by Micah's parents and having a great time!

This is my hope and prayer specifically today, again from The Valley of Vision: God Controller and Creator that speaks to the babies and to me:

MOST HIGH GOD,
The universe with all its myriad creatures
is Thine,
made by Thy word,
upheld by Thy power,
governed by Thy will.

But Thou art also the Father of mercies,
the God of all grace,
the bestower of all comfort,
the protector of the saved.

In One Week: To TX and Back and Babies!

Micah and I spent a lovely first part of the week in San Antonio, TX. What a great place to visit. The Riverwalk was beautiful and such a retreat from the big city all around. It was our first longer trip by ourselves in a long time~ We went to be a part of our first event as an extension of the Chick-fil-a family of Operators that spreads across the USA. It felt surreal- to have such an incredible introduction to our new life and to experience the answer to our prayers for the past few years. I am so proud of Micah and so grateful to God for growing him into this position. It was more evident to me, while surrounded by his peers, the transformation in him. I am looking forward to see how God uses the changes, continues to grow Micah, and guides him over the next many years. He and I have been in the supplication stage in regards to career for so long, it was a practice to sit still and thank God for answering our prayers in this way. My heart is so fickle. It is so easy to pray and seek, but it takes more effort in many ways for me to accept the blessings and spend time in praise and thankfulness. I am indeed thankful and blessed far beyond what I deserve.

These are some of my favorite scenes from the trip:

The Alamo

In the top of the Tower of the Americas

On the adoption front, the time has come again for our second embryo transfer. It has come so quickly~ The past few days have been Marriage Enrichment time again with big shots in the "hips"! Tomorrow morning, we will "meet" our 3 little ones. The shots and all the other meds have been totally worth it to prepare for them and give them the best chance to live that we know. We ask that you all be in prayer for us (Andrew and Elijah included) and the babies. You can specifically pray that they all survive being thawed, find a happy home, implant, and grow! Specifically for the two that aren't in "great" shape, I have been looking to the examples of those parents in the New Testament that brought their children to Jesus. I ask you to do the same. Our babies, regardless of their form, are not out of the reach of the Healer. The more I pray, the closer I feel to them. Love is always risky and this kind of love is scary. I have had to be honest with my Father about that knowing He calls me to not have a spirit of fear. On days it has been hard to pray, God has always sent another mother my way to pray for them on my behalf. Just last week, God helped me to swallow my pride, confess my weakness, and ask for help from a dear friend of mine. She continues to remind me that she is praying. Other of our families and friends have been so kind to pray and communicate that to us as well. Micah and I were sharing our story during lunch this past week with a couple we had just met. At the end of lunch, the gal came over, knelt beside me, and prayed such a strong prayer for them. She is a mother of seven. Little did she know, I had really struggled that day feeling up to all of this. As I felt her hands holding mine, I knew God had sent her, in a room suited for thousands of people, to our table just for me. It is such a blessing for us not to carry this alone. It is a difficult road, but I am looking to the cross and into the face of Jesus for perfect help and strength. Please pray that we continue to walk this road in obedience, with peace and hopefulness, and hearts that trust the Lord in the way and the outcome.

BIG News

In October 2009, we started traveling all over the US for Micah to serve Chick-fil-a as an Interim Manager. After six assignments, we had no idea where we would end up. There have been twists. There have been turns. There have been big potholes and lovely overlooks (the analogies could go on and on!). All along the way, we have prayed for wisdom knowing that God is bigger than us, than Chick-fil-a, and working for our good.

This past Monday, Micah got a call for a final interview in Atlanta. He and I headed down to the CFA Home Office and after a morning full of meetings and interviews, we got great news~ Micah is now the Owner/Operator Select of Chick-fil-a Jefferson Mall, Louisville, KY! There are really no words to describe the relief and excitement we both felt. Hearing the news is a moment I am so glad we got to share with each other. I have never been more proud of my husband; not just because of his accomplishment but because he persevered in a way that honored God and showed love for his family. It is a true testimony to God's work in his life.

Two Plus One

This past week, we learned that our last two embryos from the group of four we originally adopted aren't in the best shape. There are systems by which Embryologists grade embryos. The systems are subjective and vary from clinic to clinic but serve the purpose of deciding which embryos are "competent". Sometimes, incompetent embryos are discarded. Since we firmly believe that all embryos, regardless of their grade, should be given a chance at life, we are glad to know our clinic has reserved that dignity for them. It does cause us to pray for them even more and seek the Lord for His supernatural help for them. There is more to this story, however.

It all started at my last doctor visit. Micah and I spoke with the nurse about adopting a third embryo to transfer. This was even before the news of the condition of our other two. It would be a lone embryo we assumed as there were several families with only one left and donated. We went back and forth for a while, listing the pros and cons. It is so strange, this whole process, weighing statistics, facts, and assumptions verses walking with the God who holds all things together by the word of His power. The God who we call Father who moves in a mysterious way, His wonders to perform. The God who makes the blind see, the lame walk, the deaf hear, and the dead live again. We left the appointment with the intention to pray about it and let them know our decision sometime before the transfer. Since then, we have prayed a lot and sought wisdom from other friends and family. Really, the question I kept asking myself was, "Can I pray for all of these babies- each one- that they all will live and mean it?" The question is legitimate. It would not be easy for us to care for triplets or more importantly, good for them sharing a limited growing space. The chance of them all surviving is very slim from a historical/statistical standpoint. Again, human understanding ~ All-Powerful Lord. We did decide it would be a wise use of the transfer cycle for us to go ahead with three, praying for each of them to live. I decided to let the office know our intentions the day of our final appointment before the transfer.

Enter our friends Josh and Danae. Josh and Danae are the sister and brother-in-law of my friend, Cara. Shortly after we began our embryo adoption, they were led to pursue the same thing. Danae and I are both scheduled for our embryo transfers within a couple of days of each other; this being our second cycle and their first. They had adopted a group of seven embryos. They had chosen them because they were deemed the "least adoptable" of all the embryos donated at our clinic. Danae sent me a text message last week asking if I'd talked with our clinic about adding another embryo. At this point, I had not. Danae said she got a call from the Nurse Practioner asking to use one of their embryos for a transfer scheduled for another adopting couple who fit our profile. Danae was glad to have another family willing to help give all of hers a chance at life, since seven is a large number to take on given a more conservative approach. It was a concern to she and Josh that there would come a point in time where they might have to decide to relinquish one or more to be adopted. In talking to Danae, it was already like talking to a mom, trying to decide the best for her children even with all the unknowns in front of her. Danae even offered, if the other couple wasn't us, to allow us to transfer another of theirs. She and Josh certainly have those little ones in mind- wanting each one to be cared for. Even after our conversation, I was not convinced the couple the NP was speaking of was us. When Danae called in tears, I was proved completely wrong! The clinic had gotten the news of the condition of our embryos and was working on our behalf to add a third. Unknown to our mutual NP, the solution she provided made Josh and Danae AND Micah and me the parents of these siblings. She had no idea we knew each other. Antie Cara couldn't be happier:) Isn't God amazing!

If you headed to our site to buy a Shirt of Hope, click here. We are still taking orders through March 31. If you are praying for our babies, please add one more to your list!

Shirts of Hope

As I mentioned in our previous blog, we have an invitation for you to become part our adoption journey in a tangible way through buying a Shirt of Hope! A portion of the proceeds will help us offset the cost of our embryo adoption and the other part will go to Show Hope~ So it's adoption support all around! If you are interested in any of the shirts pictured below, please comment on this blog with your order information including the style number, quantity, size(s), email address, shipping address, and phone number. *No comment containing ordering information will be published* You may pay by check or by using the "Donate" through Paypal button at the top right. We are asking that all orders be placed by March 31. I will ship or deliver shirts as soon as possible after that date, just in time for spring weather!

#1 ~ "Tree Tee" Black ~ Unisex sizes S, M, L, XL, 2X ~ $25

#2 ~ "Tree Tee" White, Long Sleeve ~ Women's sizes S, M, L, XL, 2X ~ $30

#3 ~ "I Heart SH" Violet ~ Women's sizes S, M, L, XL and Child sizes 6mo., 12mo., 18mo., 2T, 3T, 4T ~ $30

#4 ~ "I Dig" Army Green ~ Women's sizes S, M, L, XL, 2X and Youth sizes YXS, YS, YM, YL, YXL ~ $30

#5 ~ "I Show Hope" Red ~ Unisex size S, M, L, XL, 2X, 3X ~ $30

#6 ~ "I Show Hope" Chocolate ~ Unisex sizes S, M, L, XL, 2X, 3X ~ $30

#7 ~ "I Show Hope" Heather Blue ~ Unisex sizes S, M, L, XL, 2X, 3X ~ $30

#8 ~ "I Show Hope" Smoke ~ Unisex sizes S, M, L, XL, 2X, 3X ~ $30

Note: persons not for sale:) However, Tiffany is proudly wearing shirt style #2, Micah #8, Elijah #4, and Andrew #5.

Education and An Invitation

The new way we are affectionately referring to our adoption process is the "Free the Frozen Babies Program". When we trace our reasons for adopting embryos over the course of years, there is a definite change of perspective and broadening of desires. Even as Tiffany began the physical process months ago, we are not sure we were truly present and on board with the FFBP. As we have said before, we both always wanted to add to our family through adoption. That was the main goal and it still is. It just looks differently than we first imagined. We cannot help but believe that God, as He works in us, is asking us to share what we have learned. Some of this may be repetitive, but we feel it is worth restating. We also have an invitation for you to help in a more tangible way~ So here goes.

Over the past few weeks, we have contemplated the way we view human life in this country and in the world at large and see now more than ever that this issue is much larger than us simply adopting. We have been called to give these frozen ones- the least of these- a voice in the world. Their presence is easy to ignore. Many people we talk with still have never heard the phrase "embryo adoption" let alone thought about who they are and what their needs are. When babies can be stored in a freezer (or chryo-preservation unit) for years and years, they are easily forgotten. They are the "leftovers" of reproductive technology and have a totally uphill battle. They cannot speak, cry, or call out to us. Their needs don't make them a presence in the world that demands attention. We, on the other hand, have perfectly good voices and we desire to use them to the glory of God and for the good of these little ones.

In our country, embryos aren't legally recognized as life. If they were to be found on Mars in the form they exist now, the headlines would read, "Life Found On Another Planet!" yet there is still debate. Due to the fact that our leaders struggle with how to categorize them and still allow for abortion, as of now they are considered property. Most couples who have turned to In-Vitro Fertilization for aid in having children, however, feel differently many times and struggle with what they may call "potential life"; even ones who would support embryonic stem-cell research or abortion. We found an extremely informative article from Mother Jones, a non-profit news organization, called "Soul's on Ice" about this very topic from 2006. From what we know today, not much has changed in the last 5 years. Although the article made us sad, we were anxious to pass it along in hopes that it would provide more education about "the problem" and prompt more talk about our response. This particular article is very lengthy, so for a more concise version of the same ideas, we found "Parents Torn Over Fate of Frozen Embryos" from the NY Times, 2008 (funny how the content was much the same). Google "How many frozen embryos in the US" and you will get a plethora of other reading material. Even the most current statistics remain the same. The debate is complicated- to them.

Of course, our view of these persons is not property, but bearers of the image of God (Gen. 1:27) and known by Him even before He created them (Psalm 139:16, Jer. 1:5). We found this resource from the Together for Adoption blog that further details a biblical response to embryo adoption. Though we hear these words from the very heart of God, we have seen and have experienced obstacles even in the Christian community, and we feel it necessary to talk about these things openly. Some believers we have talked with wonder why we shouldn't first care for those orphans already living and breathing. Our question is, do we believe what we say we believe about life or not? We are called to love and care for orphans- all of them- and each in a way so they all have advocates. We feel in this season of our lives, we are to answer the call to love these particular orphans. We pray God gives us many ways to share in the privilege of loving those without families in the future. Another obstacle is the view that embryo adoption is an infertility treatment. While it may be for some, it is not for all. Even couples we know who have adopted embryos after being unable to bear biological children recognize that it is bigger than that. They are giving these frozen ones a chance at life. The need for embryo adoption did arise from IVF which is a "fertility treatment" but not all clinics (ours included) or adoption agencies require infertility to adopt embryos. The last hurdle we have encountered is the lack of financial help for those adopting embryos. It seems for many non-profit (Christian organizations included) to give directly toward couples for adoption , they have to exclude those adopting embryos because of the issues surrounding their legal status of "non-life". We aren't sure the other road blocks for offering assistance, we just know there are a lot of closed doors. We believe and trust that God has called us to walk this road and will provide what we need to persevere. But we are saddened that the resources aren't readily available for embryo adoptions.

It is with deep sincerity and a profound realization of reality that we ask you to join with us in giving these babies the voice they do not have and honor their lives. This is unlike other adoptions and we know that. We all may never meet these little ones until we reach eternity. One way you can tangibly contribute is considering buying a Shirt of Hope! We are so thankful there is a program through Shaohannah's Hope that offers fundraising through selling their super cute (or super manly for the guys:)) T-shirts. We so appreciate that they will give us part of the proceeds and the remainder will go to their fund that aids other adoptions around the world. Our next blog post will have all the necessary ordering information, so stay tuned! If you are unable to help us in this way, please continue to pray for us, our frozen little ones, and the 500,000+ others just like them.

Here we are sporting our Show Hope Shirts~

We want to thank our sister-in-law, Stacie for taking these fabulous pictures of our family on Micah's parents' farm in NC. She is the most fun, relaxed photographer we have ever worked with!

We are scheduled to transfer our other two little embryos at the end of February. Our hearts are with them even now and we pray God prepares them to come live with us. One bit of artwork we have added to our home is this remembrance piece symbolizing our three babies- our two adopted embryos and one from an earlier miscarriage- that are now with Him. It was therapeutic for Tiffany in the midst of grieving to paint each individual snowflake and add the tiny feet.
Thank you for praying for us, taking a moment to wrap your mind around this issue, and continuing the voice of hope for snowflake babies. May God bless you as you honor their lives!

It's A Birthday!

A ~ always has a plan

N ~ never short on chivalry or bravery (especially if he can utilize his lightsaber)

D ~ determined to be awake as many hours a day as he possibly can

R ~ reliable big brother

E ~ excellent Lego-builder, game-player, 1st-grade mathematician, reader, & singer

W ~ wonderful gift from God

Happy 7th Birthday, Andrew!

Christmas 2010

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more,

neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore,

for the former things have passed away.

Revelation 21:4

This is the thought that allows a respite from the pain of these last few days. First, this is where our babies live. They have never known the pain our family has experienced and they never will. They were created only to know a life beyond the confines our of sinful, human history and know God in His perfection throughout eternity. It is a beautiful thought. It is also the hope that moves us- especially me- through grieving and not be driven to despair. Our grieving is only temporary. Broken hearts, even ones this side of eternity, are the specialty of our Savior. He came to heal them. Until our complete healing, He weeps with us, just as He did with Mary and Martha.

I read a long time ago- and it stuck- to press into pain. It is a part of our created life experience to mourn. All the physical and emotional responses are built into us. It is defensiveness that causes us to run from feeling pain... to distract ourselves... to cover over it with something else. But pain is a good thing. It is in pain that many times I have an intimate knowledge of my need for redemption. Don't get me wrong, I have spent sufficient time trying make sure that God knows that I thought I was signing up for that other line... you know... the one where people adopt and get to hold their children this side of eternity. I have even used the word "crap" a couple of times!!! But when Micah and I made this choice to be obedient to the calling of adopting these embryos, we became willing participants no matter what. Even if the path is pain. We would have preferred a different outcome. It is much more fun to hear "Congratulations!" instead of "so sorry". But God heals us and God moves us. I have said it before and I will say it again; He brought us to this road, He loves us, and He is good.

Micah reminded me of this passage in Lamentations that relates pain and hope. It is now hanging over my sink in the kitchen.

Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.

I certainly do not know what beauty He may create from these ashes but indeed, His salvation is sure.

It feels a little crazy to go ahead and talk about doing all of this again, but we still have two embryos that need a chance at life. Again, a humbling, terrifying thought. Since I am called to obey and not fear, all I can do is plead, "Lord I believe, help my unbelief." We only have a couple of weeks until we start the whole process again. Prayers from friends and family have been priceless. I have no doubt that my weary soul has leaned on the prayers of others this past week. We all still need them, maybe now more than ever.

The boys have been dealing with things in their own way. It is inspiring to see their childlike faith. They have been entrusting these babies to the Lord in their prayers. They made plans for them. They valued their lives. They are disappointed, but they easily trust their siblings are in Good Hands. I have wondered how God is going to use this experience in their lives in the future. That remains to be seen. Micah and I are so blessed to share our lives with Andrew and Elijah. I learn so much from them.

Christmas was weighty. The day itself was relaxing. It is fun for our kiddos to get new toys for Micah and I to play with:) One of my favorite moments was when Elijah opened his new Razor scooter and yelled "I can't ride a scooter!" and began crying! Only a few minutes later, he was scooting all over our apartment. Andrew has been teaching me about his new "DS System". You would think that he was born with a knowledge of all things electronic! They learned a new Christmas song this year called Joy complements of Seeds Family Worship. They led Micah and me in worshiping as they sang throughout the day.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year- to all those walking with us.

We Say Goodbye For Now

Our little ones are no longer with us, but are safe in the arms of the Father. I can only imagine their little faces- eyes opening for the first time to see the face of Jesus- being surrounded by everlasting, perfect love. We grieve, but not as those who have no hope. We look forward to knowing them throughout eternity. We sure are going to miss them until then. It has been such a privilege carrying them, even for such a short time.

Frozen No More

The good thing about being on bed rest for three days as a page of life turns, is that one can truly experience said turning. Usually as something remarkable or momentous happens, life is so busy at the time, I struggle to remind myself afterward of what that time was like. It was indeed the pinnacle of an adoption journey that started long ago. It felt very maternal though, being still, protecting my little ones. Micah and I were more devoted in those days to constantly entrust these little souls to God as we cared for the vessel that now carries them. The boys had a blast at friends houses for a couple of days so they were sufficiently loved on. Strange time though. Still kind of science-experimentalish. But no less miraculous and incredible- the journey of our little embryos from a lab to five days old, to a freezer for one year, back to a lab, and finally into a happy home. Since then, I have been walking around with them all the time! There have been moments I have been out running errands and wanted to just tell the gal at the checkout or our waitress or the vendor at the mall that I have two of my adopted children with me... just to see what they'd say~ Of course the question of whether they are with us or are we carrying them straight to the Father has been on my mind. We find out next week the answer to that question. Pray for us- that we are ready for the answer. It is easier to take one day at a time and one truth at a time.

In the meantime, it is already Christmas at our house. After Thanksgiving, the boys found one of their Christmas gifts. They had been playing in the back of our apartment. After a quiet pause (which always means they are up to something:)), Andrew came racing down the hallway screaming, "Papa and Mimi left something at our house! I think it is a Nerf gun!". "It's a CX-35!!!" Elijah added. I, always vowing to be honest with my children, explained, "That must be for Matt and Chelsea for Christmas!". I even tried to employ my mom (evil loves company!) in convincing them that this was true, but needless to say after a couple of days, the lie had to be put to rest. They are pretty smart boys.

What a nice time of year to be thinking about babies. We love Christmas; when we remember the One Baby who came to rescue us. We were like our little embryos, and now we are a part of His family. There is no greater love than this or hope for frozen hearts~

Transfer Complete!

First of all, we have had so many people praying for us... and it was so clear. This morning was peaceful and went as well as it could have. Both embryos survived the thawing process and were in great shape. The Embryologist showed us where the cells have organized to one side to form the fetus and the area for the placenta on the other. We were thrilled! The whole transfer process took 10 minutes. Again, the staff at our clinic exceeded our expectations of showing dignity and respect for life. Even the nurse said she'd be praying for us and the babies when we left. God has been so abundantly gracious. It was so humbling and miraculously amazing to walk out of the clinic knowing there are now two little ones in my belly.

The proud parents

Our precious, little ones.

These are some of the words I have held on to today and know I will continue to throughout the next two weeks while we wait to go back to the doctor. They are again from The Valley of Vision; "God the All".

I am well pleased with Thy will, whatever it is,

or should be in all respects,

And if Thou bidst me decide for myself in any affair

I would choose to refer all to Thee,

for Thou art infinitely wise and cannot do amiss

as I am in danger of doing.

I rejoice to think that all things are at Thy disposal,

and it delights me to leave them there.

Then prayer turns to wholly praise,

and all I can do is to adore and bless Thee.

I can of myself do nothing to glorify Thy blessed name,

but I can through grace cheerfully surrender soul and body to Thee.

We Have a Date!

Today, Micah and I learned that all those hormones and medications I have been pumping into my body have made a happy home for our embryos. It was glorious news that all can proceed as planned. We are scheduled for their transfer on the morning of Friday, Dec. 10th!

The past couple of weeks, I have felt carried along. The best way I can describe it is like I have been in a vessel of grace on a turbulent sea. Dealing with all my emotions and fears has tried my perseverance and tested my faith. I am not under the delusion that I do anything apart from God, "for in Him we live and move and have our being" ~Acts 17:28. But there are some sacred experiences that clearly leave me on my knees at the throne, pleading nothing but the mercy of my Father. Thinking about what my family has been called to in this embryo adoption has been one of those things. Knowing that Christ has had perfect faith when I have been afraid and continues to do so now on my behalf has given me rest in my restlessness and in turn, all I have needed to continue on. Prayer is a gift and has been my only offense for preparedness. God listens to my pleas for His breath of life for our embryos, Christ intercedes on my behalf, and once again, my soul hears, Trust me; I have brought you here; I love you.

One other gift has been listening to an album I had downloaded from Christine Dente called Voyage. From that, I was directed toward this reading from The Valley of Vision; A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions called "God All-Sufficient":

O Lord of Grace,
The world is before me this day,
and I am weak and fearful,
but I look to Thee for strength;
If I venture forth alone I stumble and fall,
but on the Beloved's arms I am firm as the eternal hills.

It goes on toward the end to list how our deficits are met with all the lovely attributes found in Jesus. I have needed prayers like this one as well as the others found in the book. They have served as summary statements: theologically thick, yet simple phrases that I can easily hold on to as I move through the day that remind me of the scriptures they describe.

So, we are moving through the week, waiting for the big day~ When we meet (in a petri-dish) our tiny ones and introduce them to their home. As if we don't have enough going on, Micah and I are also starting a marriage enrichment program called "Micah has to start giving me intramuscular injections every day"! I know Nurse Micah would appreciate your prayers (and Me too!) for steady hands.

Thanksgiving 2010

These are some things that made Thanksgiving Great-

~Handling a great big bird, putting him (or her... not sure) in the oven, and waiting on that highly-technologically-advanced pop-out timer to "pop"!~

~Sweet Potato Casserole and Pie Baking~

~People we love sleeping in every corner of the house~

~Watching Elijah sneak dog treats (and probably other things) to Toby every chance he'd get~

~The first viewing of Christmas movies of the year~

~The Andrew and Elijah Thanksgiving Show- where the boys dress up as Star Wars characters and reenact scenes from the movies (complete with commercial breaks)~

~A new Chick-fil-a team pulling together to serve the masses under the management of a great boss (way to go, Micah!)~

~Taking pictures in the non-functioning mall photo booth with my camera~

~Sending the boys on a scavenger hunt to find Elijah's new piggy bank... followed by watching the boys do subsequent scavenger hunts for various objects with clues like this one written by Andrew: "I saw something with my eyes. It was mysterious with my eyes; I looked at something in my room, so if you just look under something then you will find this treasure. It may be gold, but probably not. You'll find out!"~

~People climbing over each other at 4 a.m. at Target to get the best deal on flat screen TV's and Puffer Vests?!?!?!~

My family came to share Thanksgiving with us this year. There were many memorable moments, but the one I may remember the most is the Target experience. I usually stay away from shopping on the Friday after Thanksgiving, however this year, there were some really good deals all at the same store that I just couldn't pass up. So my Dad and I got up before 3 a.m. and went to Target. I loved trying to find out who else was crazy enough to stand in line for an hour in the freezing temperatures. I also wanted to make clear to everyone within earshot that if they wanted something bad enough to run over me trying to race into the store, I would gladly let them pass. There was a lady and her daughter behind me that had been shopping all night. She let me know about all the good deals in the surrounding stores but would never tell me what she was after at Target! I guess I looked threatening enough that she wasn't going to take any chances that I may go for anything on her list! Another of our line neighbors was a guy who was shopping for his niece and nephew. He looked through the newspaper ad about six times in the course of 45 minutes, making his plan. He told me about them and what they liked and disliked. He also shared that he had left all his friends at home asleep to come out by himself for them.

Finally, right on time, the doors opened and the mass exodus from the sidewalk began. By the time my Dad and I got a cart and started on our list, there were already people racing to the checkout with their items! We had used the online store map to prioritize and headed toward the things we wanted. Thankfully, most of our list included items not in high demand and we had a fairly easy experience getting those things. There was one item I hoped to pick up that was a popular. My strategy: make friends with others asking about it and try and help them if I could. I am happy to report, that it worked! I finally got a Target employee to give me the correct location of the item (after three incorrect locations) and I relayed the information to someone I had met in line. My new savvy shopping friend crawled down to the bottom shelf of the display and handed two back to me (one for me and one for another gal behind me) of the last three left. Our camera has been on its last leg for a while and I was able to get a new one for a really good deal! It was quite an adventure.

On our way to the back of the checkout line that stretched the length of the store, I saw the guy shopping for his niece and nephew. He smiled at Dad and me and held up his finds: four board games, $3.99 marked down from $9.99. What an uncle! We were so glad to get out of there, head home, and get a bit more sleep.

Micah is always good about reminding the boys that it isn't enough just to be thankful- and we have so much to be thankful for. We have to direct our thankfulness to the One who gives us all good gifts. Our best gift is Jesus, and He who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him gracious give us all things? -Romans 8:32. We are blessed beyond measure~

Moms Night Out

Sunday night, my friend Jaime and I drove to Nashville, TN to see Brooke Fraser in concert. The concert was great, but having time to talk to our hearts content was the best! We spent time at a used bookstore, had dinner at a lovely cafe in south Nashville called Fido (named after a dog because it was originally a pet shop), and then stood for two hours in line to get into the venue. You would infer that we are both truly devoted fans to camp out at the front of the line, but in reality, forgot Nashville is in the central time zone:) Jaime wasn't even really a fan! I had asked her to go with me a while back and was so glad that she was a "stay up 'till 3am to see a singer I am not really familiar with" kind of friend. I have to say, though, it was lovely seeing the lovely and talented Brooke from the third row. My favorite live song of the night had to be the title track of her album Flags. I would encourage you all to go to her website and take a listen.

the Now and the Not Yet

And so the medication begins. After a great doctor's appointment, a crash course in giving myself injections, and training for Micah to administer some as well, I am officially under the influence of the preparatory drugs. Thankfully I have that heading to categorize the physical and emotional struggles that come along with forcing my body into being ready for our little ones. Because of the clear goal, each headache, mood swing, food aversion, or whatever else comes along is clearly in the context of a larger goal. It's "for the babies!" we all say. It is a pretty humbling and precious goal. This is not so much different than other parts of life. Each one lesson, trial, success, pain, relate to far more than those things in and of themselves. Even beyond that, each momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory (1 Cor. 4:17). How tender our Lord to guide us, not ignoring the present or the difficulty, but giving, preparing, and securing future hope.

We are all learning that keeping our eyes focused ahead strengthens our hearts and gives us the ability to do whatever today asks of us. I realize that in this blog, I am changing my pronouns at will from singular to plural which is grammatically incorrect, but this indeed is a family effort. God has grown love for our babies in different ways, but we all experience that love together. The boys sing to me every day when injection time comes "for the babies and for Mommy who has to be brave!" Today, it was a hip hop song they had heard on the Disney Channel and I will say it is easier to do anything- including give myself a shot- to a beat! Elijah gives me practice shots with his doctor kit (Sometimes, he says I need up to 15!!! So glad he is not in charge!!!). Micah serves us all with sacrificial love and devotion. He has the privilege of giving me the much larger injections in a couple of weeks. Talk about a marriage builder!!! Andrew has grown more responsible with helping mommy out in the house and catering to my needs. He also knows that if I might want a snack from the kitchen, there is probably one in it for him, too. I just have no idea where he gets his love for all things sugar from;)

Looking ahead also has kept us aware of potential outcomes. I don't particularly like to- nor think it is helpful to- focus on what might be, but a dose of reality is necessary in readying our hearts and preparing Andrew and Elijah for what might be. Micah and I continue to remind them that all the embryos might die in this process. But we pray that they all live and are committed to do everything physically possible to help them but know that ultimately, we do not decide. It is with much fear and trembling that we give these children our hearts and many parts of our lives. For me particularly, I will be giving them my body. With every new medication and doctor's appointment and side effect, I am more and more physically invested. The cost is different for our precious sons and I do not claim to know what all it entails. God is preparing them for His purposes and knows what role this experience will play in His story in each of their lives. What we do know for the babies is that these sacrifices will result in either them being born into our home, or being born into God's. Really, either outcome is good for them. Isn't that what adoption is all about in the first place? Bringing orphans into the care of a family? God knows best whether that family it ours or if He will usher them directly into His. In the meantime, we all take one day at a time; one step at a time; one truth at a time.

This post has turned into something totally different than what I first intended! Thank you for taking this journey with us. We know there is an investment for each person that knows and loves us in this as well. God uses each of you to give us encouragement and for that, we are so thankful. Hopefully, as you read where we are, you will know how to pray for us- all of us.

Moving Forward Despite Moving Backward

Last Wednesday, with one more step forward in our adopting journey, we took a couple of steps back. Amazingly, though, those two new steps were accomplished extraordinarily quickly. My caregivers found a couple of issues that needed to be dealt with surgically in order to give our little ones the best chance at life. Within five minutes, the staff, Micah, and I had a plan to proceed in the surgery the next day, Thursday. God's hand was so tenderly on us all. Micah's parents had already planned a trip to KY and all the details were taken care of within a few hours. Micah's job has been especially trying and I was wondering how he was going to be able to get away... But God sent Micah a helper who managed staffing for the whole day for him. It was incredible! So today, recovering is the goal and is happening slowly and surely.

The boys got in some fun grandparent time. I didn't take any pictures during the visit because, quite frankly, I was taking some much needed pain medicine:) While incapacitated, I had to get used to being served, which is a humbling thing for me. Andrew especially is determined to serve mommy in all the ways he can. He will ask, "Is the laundry ready for the dryer?" and every few minutes sometimes "Do you need anything now, Mom?" in his sweet, responsible, six-year-old voice. It has been an education watching he and Elijah deal with all that comes with this adoption. It is sobering and telling to hear our four-year-old announce to strangers that we have four embryos that we hope come to live with our family soon. The look on their faces is priceless! Our explanation of the adoption to the boys has been in very simple terms. They don't need much convincing that this is a good thing and a family calling. They are aware of the risks- but Micah and I pray the example we are setting is trust and obedience regardless of the outcome. I think he and I may be getting a great deal of encouragement from them as they move forward with a "whatever it takes for the babies" attitude!

So our plan remarkably has not changed. We have a schedule for the remainder of the year for our first two embryos. It is again terrifying and exciting- but we press on trusting the goodness of God who created us all for this time together.

It has been a while since I have posted pictures of the boys, so enjoy!

Handsome Boys!

Card games in the evening...

We love good deals on their favorite characters' costumes after Oct. 31!!!

When Andrew saw that I was putting new pictures on the blog, he and Elijah set this one up to add:)

Adopting Four Embryos

Same room as before… Same peace… It was like I was watching Micah and myself in some Christian/Science-Fiction Movie. We talked with the staff, who treated us in a tender way. We caught up from our last visit. With all the traveling we have done and change in direction that led us here again, that took a few minutes:) We discussed the process of embryo adoption. They were clear about how much they love having couples for chryo-preserved embryos whose families had either met their family goals or were abandoned due to a divorce. We were glad those families had chosen a chance at life for them as well. We had entered into a scientifically/medically altered universe.

First, we will have some hormone treatments followed by medical exam followed by more hormone treatments all bringing us to the point where the embryos can be implanted, two at a time. I heard all the details. They seemed bizarre and simple all at the same time. It was only a week and a half before that I sat in my bedroom floor doing online research about embryo adoption and prayed, "Lord, if this is the direction You want us to go in, You have to make it more simple than this!" That same afternoon I was informed that all we needed was an appointment to start the process.

Then, I was handed a manila folder. It was open and I started flipping through the pages… this couple, that couple, this age, that race, this occupation, that blood type. I felt overwhelmed. How do I choose? Thankfully, Micah was right next to me. I handed him the folder. He picked a paper from the stack. “This is what I think”, he said, "Four is a good number." It took me a minute to wrap my head around the choice, but I was so glad the choice was made. "They want diversity!" the Nurse Practitioner reported to the doctor. A "Transfer of Property" in the eyes of the law. Medication- check. Visit to the financial office- check. Next appointment made- check. The whole appointment took less than an hour.

In this quick time, we grew to hold these babies, like we hold our own boys, in our hearts. They won't have our DNA, but will hopefully grow in my belly and be born into our family in the same way as Andrew and Elijah. What an amazing thought. Our days are spent praying for them. Andrew asks, "Do you think they are cold, Mommy?" Right now they don't feel the cold, but we can't wait until they feel the warmth of being given a chance to live. When people ask how many children we have now, Micah is the first to answer "6- in this world".