If God had disclosed our entire job description when He first called Micah and me to adopt embryos, highlighting the sacrifices required to show love, dignity, and respect to our six little ones in order to bring them directly to Him in the end, I know deep in my heart I may not have been so quick to obey. In fact, I think I may have tried to run away... far, far away in the opposite direction. That has never worked out for anyone I know throughout history so I must assume that it would have not worked out so well for me. Honestly, for the first time in days, I can say in retrospect that I would without a doubt do it all over again. Even though God has added to our family in a way we never expected, He has honored our request for more children. It gives the phrase "treasures in heaven" a far deeper meaning to all of us.
However, the past couple of weeks have been tremendously painful as we have plunged the depths of their loss. During times when my spirit is flooded with a thousand feelings all at once, it is good for me to be very, very quiet. Over the past week and a half, I have had quite a bit of quiet time. There are days when the groanings too deep for words reflecting Romans 8 are a constant companion. When I do speak, my heart echoes David in the Psalms as he questioned God and tried to make sense of his circumstances. There is no need to pretend the questions don't exist. They do~ and He knows them already. I might as well say them out loud to the only One big enough to have any answers. There is beauty in process of grieving, though. It shows honor to the six little persons that have come into our lives and changed us forever. Also for me, there is an exquisite rawness in suffering that draws out the best and worst in me all at the same time. There is no facade; no harness for my emotions. It is impossible to put on the "Christian Face". However, as good theology preceded David in his honest dialogue with the Father, so it must for me and therein lies the source of the beauty. Through it all, God remains faithful and trustworthy. He patiently waits on me while I blame Him until I again believe Him. Even when I have no sense of the ground beneath my feet, He is the Solid Rock. When sadness and questions feel consuming, I have not been consumed. Beyond that, He willingly enters into my suffering. My God and Savior knows my anguish better than anyone. It is only because of His suffering on my behalf that I grieve perfectly in Christ. There is no need to fix my heartache. I come as I am and Jesus does all the fixing and I am not left undone. That is true beauty.
Where are we going from here? Micah and I aren't sure. Since God does know where this story is going next, I feel content right now just sticking close to Him.
One bit of very good news is that our friends Josh and Danae are expecting. Please join us in praying for them and their little one(s) now growing. It will be a sweet gift to get to see the face of a child that will resemble two of ours. We are thankful for that glimpse through the door of heaven and thrilled for them!