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We are a family of fifteen: eight already with Jesus and seven in desperate need of Him. This is the story God is writing in our lives. Proverbs 16:9

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Christmas 2010

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more,
neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore,
for the former things have passed away.
Revelation 21:4

This is the thought that allows a respite from the pain of these last few days. First, this is where our babies live. They have never known the pain our family has experienced and they never will. They were created only to know a life beyond the confines our of sinful, human history and know God in His perfection throughout eternity. It is a beautiful thought. It is also the hope that moves us- especially me- through grieving and not be driven to despair. Our grieving is only temporary. Broken hearts, even ones this side of eternity, are the specialty of our Savior. He came to heal them. Until our complete healing, He weeps with us, just as He did with Mary and Martha.

I read a long time ago- and it stuck- to press into pain. It is a part of our created life experience to mourn. All the physical and emotional responses are built into us. It is defensiveness that causes us to run from feeling pain... to distract ourselves... to cover over it with something else. But pain is a good thing. It is in pain that many times I have an intimate knowledge of my need for redemption. Don't get me wrong, I have spent sufficient time trying make sure that God knows that I thought I was signing up for that other line... you know... the one where people adopt and get to hold their children this side of eternity. I have even used the word "crap" a couple of times!!! But when Micah and I made this choice to be obedient to the calling of adopting these embryos, we became willing participants no matter what. Even if the path is pain. We would have preferred a different outcome. It is much more fun to hear "Congratulations!" instead of "so sorry". But God heals us and God moves us. I have said it before and I will say it again; He brought us to this road, He loves us, and He is good.

Micah reminded me of this passage in Lamentations that relates pain and hope. It is now hanging over my sink in the kitchen.

Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.

I certainly do not know what beauty He may create from these ashes but indeed, His salvation is sure.

It feels a little crazy to go ahead and talk about doing all of this again, but we still have two embryos that need a chance at life. Again, a humbling, terrifying thought. Since I am called to obey and not fear, all I can do is plead, "Lord I believe, help my unbelief." We only have a couple of weeks until we start the whole process again. Prayers from friends and family have been priceless. I have no doubt that my weary soul has leaned on the prayers of others this past week. We all still need them, maybe now more than ever.

The boys have been dealing with things in their own way. It is inspiring to see their childlike faith. They have been entrusting these babies to the Lord in their prayers. They made plans for them. They valued their lives. They are disappointed, but they easily trust their siblings are in Good Hands. I have wondered how God is going to use this experience in their lives in the future. That remains to be seen. Micah and I are so blessed to share our lives with Andrew and Elijah. I learn so much from them.

Christmas was weighty. The day itself was relaxing. It is fun for our kiddos to get new toys for Micah and I to play with:) One of my favorite moments was when Elijah opened his new Razor scooter and yelled "I can't ride a scooter!" and began crying! Only a few minutes later, he was scooting all over our apartment. Andrew has been teaching me about his new "DS System". You would think that he was born with a knowledge of all things electronic! They learned a new Christmas song this year called Joy complements of Seeds Family Worship. They led Micah and me in worshiping as they sang throughout the day.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year- to all those walking with us.


Cindy Guelzo said...

Thanks, Tiffany, for sharing your heart with us. Your honesty and steadfast faith are precious to me.

Ashley said...

Hi~I found your blog through Jennifer Wilson's and wanted to tell you that my husband and I recently did 2 transfers with frozen adopted embryos (July and Sept) and sadly, our babies went to be with our Lord as well. I know how you're feeling right now~the pain of not getting to meet them this side of heaven, the excitement to try again, and hope for the future. It's been a hard journey but my faith has grown tremendously this last year and I'm so thankful! I'll be following your journey and praying for you as you prepare for your next transfer.

Aaron and Jennifer said...

I know your pain...I truly do. Praying for you guys and am excited to hear that you will be giving the other 2 frozen embryos a chance at birth and life very soon!

Stacie said...

Thanks for this post! It spurred me on and made me crave intimacy with Jesus! I'm so thankful for how God is working in your heart! You are an incredible example to me! Thanks for talking so long the other night! I enjoy our talks and always learn something! I'm so thankful for you and Micah in Matt's and my life!! We really need to see each other more often. =)
Love you! Praying!

Anonymous said...


I learned about your blog from Chance and Amber Nichols. Amber was simple asking me to pray for you all because you were going through something called embryo adoption. She had no idea that my husband and I have been praying about embryo adoption. We have been diagnosed with infertility and these last 4 years of dr. appointments ended a few months ago with the doctors telling us there was no more that they could do for us. We learned about embryo adoption 3 years ago and it was always in our hearts to do it if the Lord called us to it. We had so many fears and questions and your blog has been such an encouragement and an answer to our questions. I am so sorry about your babies. But like you said so well, they are in the Lord's hands. They were always the Lord's babies and He never let them go. I have been praying for you and will continue to pray for you through all of this. Thank you for your faith. It's spurs us on to do what we believe God has called us to do, no matter the outcome. Thank you.