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We are a family of fifteen: eight already with Jesus and seven in desperate need of Him. This is the story God is writing in our lives. Proverbs 16:9

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Eternality and Infinitude

Just to get you all up to speed, the boys finished the school year heralded with great accomplishment and sighs of relief that summer had definitely begun.After the End-Of-School Celebration, Micah's parents visited and we celebrated even more as my birthday and my dear Elijah's happen back to back.As soon as our company left, things got interesting for a short while. What do a laboring chiuaua, a large dog of unknown breed blinded by optic nerve inflammation, a beagle with a propensity to eat non-food items, and our Anakin, nauseous and dehydrated in need of fluids have in common? The Doggy ER! Which was where I spent this past Tuesday night. New to my resume, I have now nursed a puppy back to health after a canine stomach virus. He is already back to his toddler- chewing on everything (we allow him to, of course), bouncing, flipping, eating, drinking and the not so pleasant result of eating and drinking- self.
We are also moving closer to our transfer date. You know, if you have been following us through embryo adoption, that this is the point in the process when I get pretty reflective, gearing up for the uphill climb ahead. My past experience forces me to accept my neediness these days and how completely limited I am. Broadly speaking, I have a finite amount of energy for each day. There is, I must confess, an end to my patience, tolerance, comfort, longsuffering, ability to cope~ the list could go on and on. There are times I feel emotionally and spiritually deficit especially after pressing into our joys and losses. There are days that having a clear logical thought takes some cognitive gymnastics. As a human being, even the very life inside my cells fade a little more each day. And on top of my personal limited-ness, time is ticking away. Each earthly trial and blessing has a beginning and an end. Then there are "lasts". There will come a time when I will have spent the last day with my children at home or curling up with my husband on the couch to watch a movie (hopefully not in my foreseeable future). This is our last transfer and our last opportunity to care for frozen ones. And somehow, God calls me with all my limitations to adopt and care for embryos! It is a humbling thought. My lot is clear (and so is yours, friends). I NEED everything~ life and breath and everything else. And I need to draw from something- someOne inhuman that doesn't share my limitations. Given our present situation, this is all the more real.

My Father, in stark contrast, doesn't share in my humanity. He is Immortal, Invisible, Eternal and has Infinite Characteristics supplying all the things I need according to His wisdom (1 Tim. 1:17). Compared to infinite, my needs are very small~ even when they feel so overwhelming. He transcends space and time and offers a future hope that is beyond my comprehension. Jesus, however, shares my humanity, and is able to personally sympathize in my weaknesses (Heb. 4:15) and feels my needs as I feel them yet without sin. In Him, I lack nothing. These ponderings aren't a result of my own spiritual gathering but what God is using to entice me to move forward each day. The Spirit moves in me, reminding me to ask for the measures of grace suited for each day and He in His response, is able. Even on the days when I fail to ask, He still moves in me.

Will I be a vessel of life for our little ones or their casket? Sounds like a pretty melodramatic question but is true to my need. I have been prepared for and have experience being either one to the lives of the unborn. And both are beautiful. He hasn't given me the grace to accept His answer just yet. Grace for today is enough. God is always greater.


Janet said...

I am always so blessed by reading your posts. God uses your willingness to share your heart and your need to help me see his beauty and faithfulness. As always, I am praying for you and your family.

Anna M said...

How much your boys look like you at times, Tiffany! A real combination of you and Micah. I hope all goes well with the transfer...just trying to imagine what those little ones would look like. Wow!