The Beauty of Grief

If God had disclosed our entire job description when He first called Micah and me to adopt embryos, highlighting the sacrifices required to show love, dignity, and respect to our six little ones in order to bring them directly to Him in the end, I know deep in my heart I may not have been so quick to obey. In fact, I think I may have tried to run away... far, far away in the opposite direction. That has never worked out for anyone I know throughout history so I must assume that it would have not worked out so well for me. Honestly, for the first time in days, I can say in retrospect that I would without a doubt do it all over again. Even though God has added to our family in a way we never expected, He has honored our request for more children. It gives the phrase "treasures in heaven" a far deeper meaning to all of us.

However, the past couple of weeks have been tremendously painful as we have plunged the depths of their loss. During times when my spirit is flooded with a thousand feelings all at once, it is good for me to be very, very quiet. Over the past week and a half, I have had quite a bit of quiet time. There are days when the groanings too deep for words reflecting Romans 8 are a constant companion. When I do speak, my heart echoes David in the Psalms as he questioned God and tried to make sense of his circumstances. There is no need to pretend the questions don't exist. They do~ and He knows them already. I might as well say them out loud to the only One big enough to have any answers. There is beauty in process of grieving, though. It shows honor to the six little persons that have come into our lives and changed us forever. Also for me, there is an exquisite rawness in suffering that draws out the best and worst in me all at the same time. There is no facade; no harness for my emotions. It is impossible to put on the "Christian Face". However, as good theology preceded David in his honest dialogue with the Father, so it must for me and therein lies the source of the beauty. Through it all, God remains faithful and trustworthy. He patiently waits on me while I blame Him until I again believe Him. Even when I have no sense of the ground beneath my feet, He is the Solid Rock. When sadness and questions feel consuming, I have not been consumed. Beyond that, He willingly enters into my suffering. My God and Savior knows my anguish better than anyone. It is only because of His suffering on my behalf that I grieve perfectly in Christ. There is no need to fix my heartache. I come as I am and Jesus does all the fixing and I am not left undone. That is true beauty.

Where are we going from here? Micah and I aren't sure. Since God does know where this story is going next, I feel content right now just sticking close to Him.

One bit of very good news is that our friends Josh and Danae are expecting. Please join us in praying for them and their little one(s) now growing. It will be a sweet gift to get to see the face of a child that will resemble two of ours. We are thankful for that glimpse through the door of heaven and thrilled for them!

Our Little Ones

It is with deep deep sadness that I write these words. Our little ones are with Jesus. Micah and I are broken-hearted. The boys are sad. It is impossible and overwhelming for me to understand why the Lord would take these, now 6, little ones to be with Him and not allow us to meet them this side of eternity. After thinking about the news for a bit, Elijah reminded me of something I had told him weeks ago, "Both choices were good for them, right Mommy? To be with us or Jesus?" He's right and we are glad for them, but we still hurt. They are lacking nothing but we are left needing everything right now. We covet your prayers while we grieve.

Where We Are Today

I have to start by putting in one more plug for our adoption fund raiser through Shirts of Hope. We have had several friends buy a shirt and in turn support our adoption as well as other adoptions through Show Hope. We are truly humbled by the gifts. The deadline is March 31 for anyone else who may be interested. Click here for the link to the info page.

This past week has been really busy in the Childs house. First of all, our "house" changed. Having been in corporate housing for the past year and a half, it was time to again find a place of our own. It was especially fun to see our PODS container and unload all our stuff that has been stored away. The boys thought it was like Christmastime as they pulled out toys from boxes and bins. They were especially glad to see their train table... AND all the toys that make noise:) I had conveniently stored most of the "fun" ones. I think Elijah has pushed every button on every battery requiring toy at least 100 times in the last three days! Having not needed much of the things I had stored, it has been great inspiration to clean out as I unpacked.

Emotionally, it has been good to have a distraction as the day approaches when we learn the state of our little ones. I wish I could report that I have been cool as a cucumber waiting on the news, but honestly, I have been a mess. I want to be vulnerable here... It is such a struggle to rest and not be anxious. Couple that with loads of hormones and... well, you can venture a guess at the results:) I was having a difficult day last week; just thinking about how much we want the best for these babies but at the same time, praying they would live and come to be with our family. I have often wondered what it would be like to give birth to our twins, one Hispanic baby and one Indian/Pacific Islander baby, and witness the delivery room staff's reactions:) I have so desired to see those little faces- faces that do not resemble anyone in our family. My thoughts always drift back to the fact that God loves them and they are safe in His hands. Our responsibility is to be obedient in showing them His love. And I would do anything to show them His love, including learn to give myself the "big shots" on both sides- which I somehow managed to accomplish this week. What I don't take in consideration always is that God loves us too~ He loves me too. Trusting Him with my heart seems next to impossible sometimes. I know how this can go and how it can feel. It makes me so grateful for Jesus who has indeed captured my heart, carries me in His arms, and grants me portions of grace each day. In fact, in Him on the battlefield in my mind, I am more than a conqueror. In terms of my acceptance before Him as a daughter, my adoption is complete. I have been given perfect, sustaining love and peace. Feeling that always is so difficult in this situation. Feeling it or not, by this time tomorrow, I will know where our little ones are, God will still be good, and His grace will continue to be sufficient for me- and for all of us.

So please pray. We have been so fortunate to have had so many others around us walking beside. The nearness of God is our good, friends. And the nearness of each other is a gift. We will relay the news as soon as we are able~